Rachel: Impatience

Demons are passed through the family. We have a big one on my dad's side. Impatience. We grow horns and spiked wings when we have to spend a moment in our own thoughts. A moment of inconvenience. A moment when things were planned to the last minute and suddenly we are forced to bide our time.

I mention this because I've been spending Tuesday's with Grandpa. Dad once told me Grandpa thinks women are stupid and I note this in dealing with him. I don't think Grandpa believes women are stupid but he is petrified of being in a situation of the least efficiency (lest he has a carafe of wine in his hand). 

Carmans abhor idleness. 

Tomorrow I have to face a demon. And use a lot of words. And wait. And take time. And communicate. 

It's not that I'm not up for the task. I just hate explaining myself. It takes too much time. Too many words. 

Tomorrow I have to apologize. I have to revel in a memory and bring it to the surface and dissect it a bit and apologize. 

It's not that I need to move on. It's just the impatience. It's all the words and energy and it makes me tired to think of it. 

Instead of being patient I tend to write people off. It's easier that way. Patience isn't just standing in line. It's taking the time to let the entire picture reveal itself. Patience is settling into the process. 

I've been unlearning patience in my dismissal of all things imperfect. I've been unlearning patience every time I run away when things aren't working out. 

I say, this demon, impatience, runs in the family. It's a hard one to fight. A dynasty of demons have taken their throne in the temple kept by my ancestors. We sacrifice everything in our belief that these demons will bless us with better and grander things only to throw those down and receive more. We are bitter, we are users. We don't forgive. We are loyal only to a point. We are wasteful of our relationships. 

I'm trying to unlearn. I'm not throwing my friends into the fire. I will stand with them and suffer a bit. I will explain myself and apologize. I will connect with the hurt in me. I will commit my loyalty to this friend. I will burn so they will not burn. I will learn patience. I will learn forgiveness. 

These demons will find the old temple an unfit home.