R: Eh, it's so creepy. That's so creepy... (looking at the house) So, it's 55 Hastings. There's a dog. How many bedrooms is it?
M: Two. One bedroom downstairs, and the upstairs is all one big space.
R: And you lived right up there?
M: I lived upstairs, yeah.
R: So, I know all the stories you've told me. There was that one where you felt something pushing against you...
M: Yeah, I was sleeping and it felt like something was spooning me and trying to get in me. Possess me. Or something. And then, right when everyone moved in here they were all sitting by the kitchen table and we had a pitcher of water in the refrigerator, they had just stuck it in there to chill it, and they pulled it out to pour it and Amber started pouring the water and water froze as it was coming out of the pitcher. And there were five people sitting there that saw it. It froze in mid-stream.
And there was another time I was sitting on my bed and I just got this weird feeling, it felt like someone was there and I looked in the air and it looked like someone had smacked (chalk erasers) and there was dust everywhere and there was this rancid smell of just, like, death. It did not go away for a long time. I got out of there and that same night I didn't want to go back up into the room, I have these wind-chimes above my bed and they were going off by themselves.
R: Do you think whoever lives there right now would get really freaked out if we ... you think they have stories of there own?
M: This is one of the oldest houses in Bend. I think it is the oldest house in Bend. I believe Chinese people built it that came here to do the railroad. There's a whole bunch of information about this place at the museum.
R: Do you know any stories of what had happened here?
M: I know that the family who lived here, back in the eighties, they were practicing Satan worshippers. They had a fire pit in the backyard that was a pentagram, five fire pits and rocks connecting it to look like a pentagram. And I heard stories about one of the kids who lived here who was super psycho, tortured animals and was not a very good little boy. And, in the upstairs, all around the room there's cabinets, they're for storage. The roof kind of comes down low and there's cabinets on the outside of the walls, there's a wooden shelf inside of there and on the shelf in really crappy handwriting that kid had written, "This is Eli's Kill."
GEES
And we hard stories that he would torture animals. And then apparently there was little girl who died in a fire upstairs and I think that was the little ghost we would hear quite a bit. At night when we were trying to go to sleep I would hear this (scrapes ground) like someone scraping their feet across the carpet. Like soft.
And covers would come off all the time, it would be like someone was slowly pulling my covers off. Or I would feel, it my pajamas were out on the outside I would feel this tugging on my clothes.
(referencing Cari's story)
Did your guys' characters plummet?
Oh yeah, everybody in the house was on a bad one. I only lived there for two months. I think everyone else lived there for a total of three months. There was some very strange behavior going on at the time.
Out roommate Chad was a total sicko. We came home one day to him butt-naked on the couch masturbating. And he would steal our dirty underwear out of our clothes hamper. We found a bunch of them stuffed under his mattress. And then he peed in our shampoo bottle one time. People were alwasy partying here. People were always fighting. There was always weird shit going on. I remember one night, there was this girl Shannon we went to High School with, I lived up there with my friend Kirtsten, we shared the room, she said, "You guys live up there together? Are you lesbians?" And we're like, "Yeah, we's lesbains
Everyone was a little bit off. I don't know if it's the amount of partying or what... Oh! The other weird thing about the house, I had a full on lucid dream about the house before I ever even saw the place. I had this dream we were having a party in the house and that everybody was really uptight and arguing with each other and there was all this tension going on and, everybody was saying, "we need to get out of here, this place is possessed, or there is something wrong, we need to go." I just remember being very distinct details in the house from my dream. So it felt like I was there before I was there.
The shower in the downstairs bathroom was creepy. I'm sure it was just old plumbing but there was always the creepiest noises in there, like rattling pipes and groaning noises. It was really dark and had these two towel rings next to the sink that we these lion heads that brass and had rings in their mouths and it was like there was blood coming out of their mouths.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Joe interview with Kasey
I'm going to talk about, the one who is with me.
Ok. Are we filming? You're going to talk about the presence that is with you?
Yeah, for me it's a slow process of meeting this being for me because I didn't have the symbols ... uh ... communication through symbolic form to know what was surrounding me as a kid.
Around the ages of fifteen or so something that I didn't know at the time became attracted to me, in the sense of ethereal beings that are neither (neether) alive nor dead but are drawn to different people for different reasons, basically as if we were a metal, as if we had magnetism through certain experiences we draw in a certain energy, a life force,
Long term, short, it wasn't until I was about twenty-six years old and had cut off a few square inches of my penis and got institutionalized for three months where I was sitting in a loony bin smoking cigarettes with a bunch of people I didn't like that I actually had a vision of this thing that had been with my since I was fifteen. So a period of decade or so I had only had contact with it through nightmares and sort of a just a naive unknowing towards it. And during my stay this, in retrospect, seems like a vacation but while I was there it was very difficult to feel alright. And it came up to me in a sort of a mirage of a giant iris that was green and blue, came right up with me, and that was the introduction. It was like an iris and it felt like it had been here for awhile. And it wasn't until about a year and half later of retrospect thought through symbolic imagery (of how I've processed my past) did I actually start to enjoy the fact that I wasn't alone. And that I had been chosen by this particular thing, that I ended up naming Serendipity. It's a hermaphrodite being that has no release so it vicariously uses me for (...) love and perhaps celibacy. For it's own mourning. It would not let me, my whole life I've had very few relationships with a wonderful woman where it wasn't easily off. Just the connection wasn't there and so it's kind of kept me sheltered because it felt a similarity from my own experience perhaps it was from molestation by my neighbor at an early age and not having a girl-next-door or a .. where now it's nice to have the acceptance of something that is protective of me. And sees something in someone I love as something for itself too. And that is has accepted it and enjoys.
The main thing that I didn't know it was doing was (....) music it would draw me towards are just, the things has audio (referring to camera)...
Do you feel like this being is more like a hitchhiker riding around with you or is it something that remotely taps into you from somewhere else?
It has a genuine affinity towards my uniqueness. And it doesn't leave. It doesn't go away. And the most mischievous, I'm acting out, mostly speaking of my past, if there's something I don't feel that I'm getting it seems to know ahead of time, what's good for me. So it contemplates me. And it's looking out for my best interest. Serendipity.
Do you have any sense of any physical incarnations of Serendipity?
It will never, this one might stick with me for all my incarnations. I'm assuming it can't incarnate. It is what it is.
Any feelings associated with it? Key points that come to you?
Softly mischievous, softly mischievous. It's a lover. It's able to love. And it has no, it's alone and it loves. And it's alone other than me and who I love.
Ok. Are we filming? You're going to talk about the presence that is with you?
Yeah, for me it's a slow process of meeting this being for me because I didn't have the symbols ... uh ... communication through symbolic form to know what was surrounding me as a kid.
Around the ages of fifteen or so something that I didn't know at the time became attracted to me, in the sense of ethereal beings that are neither (neether) alive nor dead but are drawn to different people for different reasons, basically as if we were a metal, as if we had magnetism through certain experiences we draw in a certain energy, a life force,
Long term, short, it wasn't until I was about twenty-six years old and had cut off a few square inches of my penis and got institutionalized for three months where I was sitting in a loony bin smoking cigarettes with a bunch of people I didn't like that I actually had a vision of this thing that had been with my since I was fifteen. So a period of decade or so I had only had contact with it through nightmares and sort of a just a naive unknowing towards it. And during my stay this, in retrospect, seems like a vacation but while I was there it was very difficult to feel alright. And it came up to me in a sort of a mirage of a giant iris that was green and blue, came right up with me, and that was the introduction. It was like an iris and it felt like it had been here for awhile. And it wasn't until about a year and half later of retrospect thought through symbolic imagery (of how I've processed my past) did I actually start to enjoy the fact that I wasn't alone. And that I had been chosen by this particular thing, that I ended up naming Serendipity. It's a hermaphrodite being that has no release so it vicariously uses me for (...) love and perhaps celibacy. For it's own mourning. It would not let me, my whole life I've had very few relationships with a wonderful woman where it wasn't easily off. Just the connection wasn't there and so it's kind of kept me sheltered because it felt a similarity from my own experience perhaps it was from molestation by my neighbor at an early age and not having a girl-next-door or a .. where now it's nice to have the acceptance of something that is protective of me. And sees something in someone I love as something for itself too. And that is has accepted it and enjoys.
The main thing that I didn't know it was doing was (....) music it would draw me towards are just, the things has audio (referring to camera)...
Do you feel like this being is more like a hitchhiker riding around with you or is it something that remotely taps into you from somewhere else?
It has a genuine affinity towards my uniqueness. And it doesn't leave. It doesn't go away. And the most mischievous, I'm acting out, mostly speaking of my past, if there's something I don't feel that I'm getting it seems to know ahead of time, what's good for me. So it contemplates me. And it's looking out for my best interest. Serendipity.
Do you have any sense of any physical incarnations of Serendipity?
It will never, this one might stick with me for all my incarnations. I'm assuming it can't incarnate. It is what it is.
Any feelings associated with it? Key points that come to you?
Softly mischievous, softly mischievous. It's a lover. It's able to love. And it has no, it's alone and it loves. And it's alone other than me and who I love.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Shanan - deeeeep inside
Although the demon that lives (who knows, it may be passing as I type this) inside me is pretty fucking despicable. Most especially because of the effect he has on me.
You see, though I am very simply a gentle soul through and through…there is a nasty piece of something deeeeeep inside me that puts a spell on my brain or my eyes… I’m not sure…could be a combination of both. As my connection to my physical body grows, I think I have identified where he lives (there may be more than one house where he lives). I have studied my demon for many years through practices like yoga and meditation and various forms of self-care. I have pursued education, and I have gone on retreat. I have been very honest with myself. I have looked at pictures, I have talked to friends, I have tried to pretend the demon didn’t exist. I have felt that I have made a lot of progress getting to know and trying to release my demon. And I have also experienced the heartbreak of realizing that after all I have done, I still know this demon. I have tried to forgive, I have tried to reason, I have prayed my ass off.
Oddly enough, I think my demon probably has at least one name given to him by the American Medical Association. Does this mean he is not uniquely mine? Or does he just have a big family and they also have beautiful homes? I’m not sure.
I am a woman who takes responsibility for her actions. I try not to be a victim, generally speaking. But I do believe the poison my culture has fed me over the years through beautiful chemicals and artfully manipulative advertisements, genetically fucked up food and glamorized violence strengthens my demon’s power over me. But I digress…
It would break your heart how ugly I can be. The tiny bump, eentsy imperfection that may or may not have been there. The restrictions in my younger years, the agonizing anxiety in my older ones when the demon rears his head (horns?). All those embarrassingly hideous pictures! How humiliating to be such an ugly girl! Though I know you’ve seen my face. “This is ridiculous” surely people would cry if they could hear what the demon makes me tell myself. It’s fucked up, I know.
Listen, I love myself very much. I honor myself in many ways. I know I am beautiful outside as well as in and I am grateful for the face and body I have been blessed with (blessed! gasp!).
I think I really am making progress giving the little shithead the boot. Most of my moments are lovely, after all. These cannot be the words of a woman demon-possessed. Surely you’ll agree with that statement?
On a side note, I saw a burning bush today. True story, it happened at the base of the Butte, we called it in. I told my mom it happened and she asked if I talked to God.
You bet your ass I did.
***
Monday, August 6, 2012
Davey - 12 Questions and Paint
Question:
1. What are demons? Demons are whatever you want them to be. They can be fear inducing, they can be inspirational, they can be a guiding force or a destructive one.
2. Do you love or hate demons? I don't love or hate demons. Loving them would be wasteful more often than not and hating them gives them too much validity.
3. What do demons look like? Demons look like whatever your imagination can conjure up. I do believe in possession though, so if they took on a human form, I suspect they would look just like you or I.
4. What realm do demons live in? I don't know.
5. Do all demons have horns? No, not all demons have horns. I suspect that the more powerful ones do though. In the bible, horns represented strength, power, wisdom, etc. Most animals that are endowed with horns use them as their chief means of defense or attack. I once drank mead out of a horn once during a ceremony.
6.What temperature is a demon? I don't know.
7. Do demons get fever/sick? Food poisoning? Do demons defecate? I'm sure demons could get sick. Anything that uses power for ill will usually makes themselves sick. It's best to use one's energy for creative purposes rather than destructive ones, although the line is thin between them.
8. What do demons use their powers for?
Coercion, Trickery...
9. What is the purpose of a demon?
To instigate, to destroy, to confuse, etc.
I don't think they really DO much themselves, I think they tend to convince others to do things.
10. What kinds of demons do you see in society?
Aside from the obvious answer of politicians, preachers, etc. I think demons find their way into everyday people that are vulnerable. They fill a gap for someone and take on many forms. Alcoholism, Pornography, Facebook...
11. How do you know if a person is possessed by a demon?
I don't know if there is a tell-tale sign, I usually just rely on my gut. I can tell if someone is haunted or possessed or whatever by just feeling it. You can kinda just tell I think. It's usually defined by a sense of something lacking. A void in the person.
12. What is a demons favorite color?
Coercion, Trickery...
9. What is the purpose of a demon?
To instigate, to destroy, to confuse, etc.
I don't think they really DO much themselves, I think they tend to convince others to do things.
10. What kinds of demons do you see in society?
Aside from the obvious answer of politicians, preachers, etc. I think demons find their way into everyday people that are vulnerable. They fill a gap for someone and take on many forms. Alcoholism, Pornography, Facebook...
11. How do you know if a person is possessed by a demon?
I don't know if there is a tell-tale sign, I usually just rely on my gut. I can tell if someone is haunted or possessed or whatever by just feeling it. You can kinda just tell I think. It's usually defined by a sense of something lacking. A void in the person.
12. What is a demons favorite color?
I don't know... perhaps chartreuse.
Tara - My Little Bug Demon
As I studied the bugs, really observed them, I began to learn from them. To learn their secrets, how they survive where others could not. I began coveting their abilities. After some time I realized that I was becoming like them. I was metamorphosizing, changing. My inner skeleton was moving out to become my exoskeleton. The focus of my thoughts was changing, what was once kept inside was now coming out in words. What people thought did not matter so much anymore, just getting the job done mattered. The connectedness, the noise of all other life began demanding acknowledgement and time. I was transforming.
The insides turning out, shifting, becoming something different. The painful change.
Bones slowly – day after day- breaking through the skin. Pulling away from the muscles. In some places reattaching, in others falling off altogether. As the skin peels and bones shift, gaps begin to form. Open air gaps formed where old body parts are no longer needed. Organs decompose and break away leaving holes where they once were. Blood and fluids ooze out once the skin has peeled away. This lets in air to dry out and harden what is left. Only the structure is left, only what is needed to stay together. The inner skeleton has become and exoskeleton. A sense of freedom now emerges.
Floating in the goo of life. Resting after so much exertion. The effects have become encompassing. Things have turned inside out. There has been a metamorphosis and it will continue. Shedding the layers and assumptions. What was once inside is now outside. The raw secretive emotions that one keeps to oneself are now exposed. The barriers are breaking and what was once understood and acceptable is now gone. The core, the inner soul is now exposed. No more masks, no more skin, no more muscle to hide it all under. What have I become?
This thing inside of me, is it good or bad right or wrong? Is it heavenly or demonic? I’m not sure but is coming out and taking over. Maybe others will say it is wrong that it is demonic that it is bad because they fear what Is different what is not pretty or polite and this thing coming out, it is not pretty, it is not polite, it is the bug and it needs recognition, it needs to have its say to be acknowledged and to have power. The bug is me, I am the bug Woman.
Jo Picetti - Big Shot
Sometimes I am driven to be a big shot.
I come from a long line of big shots and have written off my big shot attitude to this fact.
I can't help it.
It may come from my lack of power as a child and/or the desire to be recognized and influential.
On May 24th,, I came home to my boyfriend and pronounced, “I’m going to curba my big Italian mouth”.
He wrote it on the calendar and laughed his ass off.
He also wrote “end of the world” on Dec. 21st, so whatever.
Just yesterday I was making proclaimations, “I’ll take care of it” “I got this” “by the end of the month problem solved” badda bing badda boom.
The sad part is I was saying this to someone I hardly know and really don’t give a shit about. The head-trip that haunts me is; am I powerful? Influential? Can I make a difference?
A butterfly just flew around my feet saying “yes you are”.
I look for signs.
But it could’ve been a moth.
I have two sisters.
One likes to be a big shot.
Probably more than me, and the other doesn’t.
The sister who doesn’t have a need to be a big shot works at a job where she is highly recognized outside of work.
She hates it.
She doesn’t understand why people would be like Hiiiiiiiiiiii! And excited to see her. I think its cute and fun.
She hates it.
In Bend, notoriety can be something of a badge of honor.
Word gets around quick and it can be easy to build a reputation.
I have such a strong desire to be known for something great and to be a part of something great.
It is a demon because life just isn’t that exciting.
I embrace opportunities to shine.
Big and small.
If you need your horn tooted let me know.
Its not just about me being a big shot on my own it is about being a part of big things.
The haunting comes when I wonder if im annoying or made an ass out of myself because I will throw myself into things.
I can do this completely sober.
I get off on the thrill of influencing people.
For many years I was a born again Christian. Now I am not. Not at all.
One of the reasons I got off on being a born again was witnessing.
I would go balls out and I must say I was good at it; my conversion rate was high.
It was a rush to feel I could persuade someone to BELIEVE.
I'm haunted by the knowledge that (in this bullshit role I play in life) I am not important.
I just strive to play someone who is.
David - I believe in psychopharmacology
I believe in psychopharmacology.
I grew up believing that my anxiety and sadness were deficiencies in faith.
Evil is a force in the world like electromagnetism. 
The messenger for electromagnetism is the photon.
The messenger for evil is the demon.
Like the photon, demons are not perceived directly.
We see only symptoms.
Most symptoms of demons are not supernatural.
Demons can cause illness, disability, madness, disfigurement.
Evil is a destructive force, and demons seek tirelessly to manifest it.
Their motive is obscure.
Their vector is sin.
They seek to deprive us of grace.
And there's the disconnect.
We appear to have little natural defense to such a force.
So am I to blame for my predicament?
My will again the supernatural?
Sounds like scapegoating to me.
Where is the fair shake?
Why leave us so exposed and raw?
I must submit, and, at the same time, not submit?
That feels malevolent and disabling.
A condition prodded by the impossible.
It never quite clicked.
Happiness is a pill, an unconditional hand up.
Empowering, not devouring.
A fair shake.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Jamie - He Called Me
He was always hiding his van around town because he had too many
parking tickets, and, if he found a good hiding spot, he would sit on
the counter wearing his purple Captain Gus’ Cheese Steak shirt and
feed me philosophy while I mopped. I always tried to feed him, but he
never ate. Just drank coffee light and sweet and smoked menthols.
One day the phone rang at 5:30 a.m. as I was opening the café. I
picked up, expecting the boss. “Afrit?” It was Boyer’s gravelly voice.
“They finally got me. Can you come?”
I hung a hand written sign on the door saying we would be open late.
Boyer was as much a part of the café as the walls. Who else would he
call?
For 3 months we kept a list of reasons we could never date. My side
had 48 reasons. His had 8.
Once Boyer took me for an ice cream cone. He was so shocked at the
price I tried to pay.
If you go looking for a definition of Afrit you will find out they are
the second strongest conventional class of demon, and are described as
being spirits of fire and possessing fiery hooves. Bartimaeus refers
to them in Ptolemy’s Gate as "over-rated.”
An over-rated demon making lists of reasons why not to fall in love.
Boyer left me with a final riddle before I moved 3,000 miles away. He
said “The world is all that is the case. Figure it out.”
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Horned Hand
Allister won't go inside. Anglican Christian. When he picked Sydney up last summer he would call her phone and she would come out in the parking lot and find him making a cross with his index fingers.
He seems to know what others seem only to expect.
You've been good to me Horned Hand & so so terrible.
You treat me like an old friend and envelope me in your hot beery breath - the unreliable lover who comes home tanked after closing time. You're the place I point to, South of Wall and left of Colorado to the wayward traveller, to the anarchist bike rider in town for a week who "can't find a good place for shows." You're the way I point when someone's looking for a camaraderie and a bit of trouble.
I love your cowboy boots, Reisfar paintings, Fuck Cancer t-shirts, strewn peanut shells, bones, dice games and arm wrestling matches. Whiskey in the parking lot with a friend & heartbreak.
So so so much stumbling heartbreak.
If it were easy to have a good time and go home it wouldn't be the same.
We've come to ruin our lives.
You, of so little regret, spill my insides out at times and watch patiently as I try to collect them from the cement floor.
I dance out the demons and drink them back in.
You've seen me cry. I've tried to leave you some nights. You've seen me the sweat pour down my face as I'm pushed and push back the scrum. Nearby, I curl in the same fields I piss trying to get steady enough to walk home.
You've given me Philip Roebuck. Harley Bourbon. Larry and His Flask.
Did I kiss Alex there? Did I write on your bathroom walls? Did I spill the beer on your stage and climb the rafters in your green room to get a better perspective?
I hate you sometimes. You've punched me in the chest and slapped my face and still I come back. You bring out the worst in me. You've brought out the best in me. You've made me feel so ugly.
And sometimes I like being ugly.
Still I come back.
Because I love you.
And I'll come back until you burn to the ground - even if I'm the only one watching the flames with a gas can and a smoking roman candle.
Ian - so the wind
Ian: Oh, I've got a few. They certainly live in my structures.
rural demons
James wanted to dress like a demon and have his bandmates suckle from his teats. Baphomet, he said.They were going to go to the desert and have a photo shoot.
"But I don't want to invite anything in."
"What do you mean?"
"If I impersonate a demon it might invite a demon in."
So the photo shoot didn't happen, but the demons came anyway.
One by one we burned. One by one the demons came and took us away.
It got so we couldn't bear to look at one another as much as we were all in love.
As much as we loved the music.
This was last summer. A make all or break all.
We played with the fire at first, jamming in the living room, singing on the radiator with chords tripping us up on the wood floor as the children slept.
Even the bitterest of enemies were getting along at this time. We ate raw meat and headed to the river when we had to shut the windows when the neighbors called the cops. It got so damn hot.
Casey didn't wear shoes and they chopped off Sofie's hair on the front porch. This was before Nick got his jaw punched, before Bernie lived in the Rainbow Motel. Natty lived in the greenhouse in the backyard and provided the tea. I picked flowers, swept the floor on occasion and tried to keep rhythm on the tambourine by staring at Bernie on the drums. Jonathan knew all the words, you could hear him singing around the campfire to O Mother. Andrew was still a prick but he gave high-fives and the music kept his personal demons away while Alicia was gone. Dear sweet Hannah wore her silk robes and scarves driving the Old Valiant singing next to Kacey and Sofie. Syd and Sam were there. Sean rode his bike by from time to time.
And Joel sitting with the lapsteel. Joel was the last to go.
Ceiara had been burned long before. She had been so strong for so long.
Annika wasn't there, the demons took her before then.
One by one we burned.
Around the campfire, back to back James told me.
"Love the demon,"
"I'm trying."
I tried.
Fuck that.
And I burned.
c.vance - repentance
we were no arsonists, just pyros---
our friction sparked passions and sheets that no lube could ever quench.
but, as we've known since grade school cautionary tales, fire is a fickle mistress. still. we courted her with three-way thirst until every fluid we shared ignited; only to be drowned in splatters of the one passionately-- forcibly --taken from flesh broken like bottles and drywall one horrible night... sending embered smoke signals of every hurtful word said for all neighbors to witness, strobed in blueblueredblueredred and enumerated in droll reports that could never accurately describe our escapades--- Sgt. Anderson is no Leonard Cohen; barely read better than an E. L. James novel.
all the same: we're no arsonists, simply pyros--- and these bridges just burn so god. damned. easily.
it's something we each knew about the other-- loved about the other --so the uncontrolled hatred harnessed in the aftermath of us was only premeditatedly obvious to friends, family and county fire marshals with inadequate contingency plans for our relationship's demise: the ghetto gasoline/styrofoam napalm fired off in drunken texts listing defects your body didn't have, responded to by puncturing condoms with habañero oil syringes causing worse-than-chlamydic burns twice as hard to treat. molotovs of sleeping with siblings, agent orange deaths of dogs. on and on, back and forth--- with fires that buckled the steel of the sturdiest bridges until we were alone... chasms of restraining orders apart.
but now, near a decade later, i've salvaged scorched timbers and warped I-beams from a lifetime of failed encounters--- enough to make it halfway across. and i know you like the red flame as much as me so you may not have much left to build with but, if you ever get here, we can watch the red sun set in the smoke of our mistakes together.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Derek - Facing Demons
Derek Sitter has just played the part of the Devil in the play Bobby Gould in Hell, put on through the new Volcanic Theater Pub. He sits at the edge of the stage, wearing devil horns and a fishing vest as he fields questions from the audience.
I found the play excellent and amusing. Derek was dynamic and riveting as the devil (he apologizes for the use of curse words). He spent much of the the play chastising Bobby Gould (played by Wayne Newcome), demanding he confess his life's evildoing.
There's been a question I've been dying to ask Derek to add to the stories in demon zine. I considered addressing my questions in an e-mail but Derek mentioned his medium of expression is through acting. Asking him while he's on stage, still dressed as the devil could not be more appropriate.
"You won the Source award for Sexiest Teacher (light laugher) and in the article you mention fighting your demons alone in a motel room. Do you mind expounding on that experience? Sorry to get all Terry Gross on your ass."
Years ago, Derek responds, he was at a Motel 6 in Tallahatchi withdrawing from his medication. It was a long night. He had been afraid of everything. He had jealousy. He was in a three-year depression. Walking through his life asleep.
"I was either going to die or be a better person."
Saying to the demons, "You can't kill me. What am I afraid of? Fuck it."
It was a long, terrifying night.
It's difficult to draw a demon out. They move carefully around the bones, between the ribs and under, over, around the organs. They are nearly impossible to pin down.
Derek invited his to surface when he stopped taking his meds. He didn't go to sleep. Let the skin boil and the organs shift.
It took staying up all night.
Joel once told me sometimes you just have to stay up until the sun rises to push past something. And if you want to face your demons like Derek you have to give them the space to show themselves. You have to stay awake and exhaust yourself and be at the brink where you'll either live or die. You can't go to sleep. You can't deny them. You can't bury them. You have to sit there and be ravaged by them until they're done with you. Allowing the demons a space to present themselves.
Giving them the space and madness to speak. And moving forward, whatever it takes
But in the morning, something was clearer.
Derek, on stage in his devil horns, pretty wife by his side, says he did it for his family. For his daughter.
Now Derek has his theater. The Volcanic Theater Pub, a dream of his, where you can drink a beer and the characters move from the stage to the audience. His space is off of Century across the courtyard from Goodlife Brewing. He's taking his meds.
& he's playing the devil now.
& he's playing the devil now.
"I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it." - (From the poem The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer)
Tara - Confession of the Serial Cheater (Tuesday afternoon interview)
Rachel: It's a personal demon?
Tara: Mmmm, basically, I cheated on my boyfriend of 9 months. With this guy and... why does that happen? What's going on inside myself to make me cheat on every single boyfriend I've ever had?
And I think it's because I like to hurt people that I love. I like to have control over people's emotions. And it just doesn't make any sense. And now I'm hanging out with that guy again.
Rachel: The one that you cheated on him with?
Tara: With, yeah.
But I really like him, he was one of the guys who was at the Riverside Market last night. And we just have this crazy connection. I don't get it. But he's really cool and what happened was, my boyfriend was in Madras, and he got a job at the prison out there and he's all getting responsible and doing stuff with his life.
Rachel: Being a grown up?
Tara: Yeah, he's being a grown up. And I'm not. I'm just having fun and living my young adolescent life.
Rachel: That's a weird place to live though. I mean, it's so out of the way
Tara: I know! He's like, you should live out here! And I'm like, NnnnnnnO.
*laugh*
Rachel: Absolutely not.
So your facing that demon? You're possessed by a demon that continues these trends?
I guess what a demon is, a lot of people have said, it's unhealthy patterns. Or destructive things. A demon maybe gives you power, maybe gives you some kind of authority. It seems that there's a lot of good that comes out a demon. If you work with one, or barter with one.
Ultimately the product is spiritual annihilation. That's the ultimate product of dealing with demons.
I guess what a demon is, a lot of people have said, it's unhealthy patterns. Or destructive things. A demon maybe gives you power, maybe gives you some kind of authority. It seems that there's a lot of good that comes out a demon. If you work with one, or barter with one.
Ultimately the product is spiritual annihilation. That's the ultimate product of dealing with demons.
Like what you do, kind of fits in with that. It's spiritual annihilation. Does it eventually serve you for the greater good? Is it the act of just being yourself maybe?
Tara: I feel like out of every bad terrible situation something good has to happen. Something good can be produced from it. I'm such a positive person. And eventhough I know that my ex-boyfriend is totally hurt, he's moving on. He's doing fine. We thought we were going to get married. And I guess I just realized one drunken evening that I didn't want that. And I proceeded with this other guy.
Rachel: Are you polyamorous? Do you think?
Tara: What does that mean?
Rachel: Where you feel comfortable having a lot of partners. All being in the context of a relationship. It's not promiscious. Polyamorous is where you are in love with multiple people.
Tara: Um. I could say that. Not at a time. Really. I like attention from multiple people but I'll only have sex with one person at a time.
One of the things I have a hard time doing is making up my mind for myself and following my inner voice. I just don't even have it, or I don't even hear it. I don't have an inner voice of reason. So I just do whatever the hell I want to at the moment. And then I tell my friends about it and they're like, "Wull, what the hell are you doing, that's not right." and I'm like, "Sooo... I'm having fun."
Rachel: You don't have a conscience?
Tara: Something like that! And my best friend is ...
We're interrupted by someone coming by
Rachel: (coming back after interruption) If you feel like you're hurting yourself or you're destroying your spirit. A conscience is only what you make. People create their own reality there is not god that says simply we should be doing this and that. If we're doing unhealthy things to ourselves or putting ourselves out of balance...
Tara: It's all perspective.
Rachel: If you're happy with your life and you can look at yourself in the mirror...
Tara: That's kind of what my mom said to me, "As long as you're having fun." And then I thought about and well shit! I could have fun killing babies and robbing banks.
Rachel: FUCK! Ok, whoa. Ok, now... maybe if you really do not have a conscience that's concerning.
Tara: No, I'm joking. It was an exaggeration.
Rachel: I'm hoping you would hesitate.
Tara: My voice of reason comes from my best friend who's in California and she was just up here last week for a week and she pretty much forced me to kick this guy out of my life who I cheated on my boyfriend with. But, we've been hanging out for three and half weeks after Greg and I broke up and we went to Crater Lake, we went on bike rides, we did this amazing stuff. We went camping and, I thought, I've done more stuff with you in three weeks than I've done with Greg in 9 months.
Rachel: That's saying a lot.
Tara: So, I just feel like Greg and I were really good together but we were a little too different. You know, how opposites attract. We were just a little bit too different. She's telling me that I need to stop seeing this guy so I did. And then he's like, "Well, what the hell?!" all of a sudden.
Rachel: Why does she not want you to see him?
Tara: Because I posted pictures of facebook of him and I together and my Mom reposted the picture and my Mom and Greg were friends so Greg saw the pictures of this guy and me at Crater Lake. Then Leslie called me as I was at dinner with this new guy and she says, "What the hell are you doing? I've just sat back and let you do your thing and now I am going to fucking unleash."
Rachel: Are you still with your guy in Madras?
Tara: Nuh-nuh. No. He broke up with me. It happened on a Thursday. I drove out to Madras on Friday, told him what happened. And then he drove to Bend on Saturday at 7:30 in the morning and broke up with me at Richard's Donuts. It was really shitty.
Rachel: You probably saw it coming though...
Tara: Yeah, I know, but I also kind of just ignored it. And had my head in the clouds for a long time. And didn't deal with it. I was just being selfish and ignoring his feelings.
Rachel: Are you hurt? Are you ok?
Tara: I think so. I mean, how long am I going to have to wait until I move on? I feel like I might ... I'm hurt that I hurt someone. And that it didn't work out. And that it had to end up that way. But overall I'm pretty ok with it.
Rachel: You think the demons are you not taking people's feelings into context?
Tara: Exactly. Because I've done it everyone I love. My friends. They say, "how did you do that to me?" I'm just not thinking. I guess I'm not very mindful of the outcomes of situations.
Rachel: That's interesting. My friend Stephanie, her boyfriend cheated on her and they've been going through this major thing. Break up and get back together. It's insane. It's a lot of anger. But I got involved with her when they were on the outs and I had to apologize to him because he was upset with me (when they were back together). And it was a very weird circle of hurting and trying to see.. we could all see each others positions, because we were going through it ourselves. Not exactly in the same... I was hurt by my ex-boyfriend sleeping with other people... and then I just realized this is being recorded and do I really want to tell this story on the record? I don't. I don't...
And so, I knew how he felt, but when I was looking at him I was thinking, "I can't connect with you, I can't connect with your feelings at all." I know how I felt in an identical situation but I can't connect to that sadness. I'm think, "get over it, what is the big deal?"
Tara: Right, his reaction to it.
Rachel: He would say the same thing. I try to be sympathetic but looking at anyone's situation.. you just heard the story second or third source. You might think, "why don't they just get along?" They look cute together, why don't they just make it work?" Connecting to those emotions it takes a lot of energy. And it's pretty made-up, it's pretty fictitious even when you do. I don't think any of us have that ability to really connect to people. To be truly empathetic, it's a godlike thing. Do a bunch of yoga and eat raw veggies and then you can truly connect to the universal pain of betrayal. I think we're pretty immune to each other, most of time.
Tara: Some people are very... this is going to sound cheesy but, certain zodiac are more cautious and in-tune with people's feelings. And not even feelings but personality traits too. Some people can just look at someone and be like, "Oh, I know exactly what your trying to do here and I can read you."
Rachel: That's so true. That is really true. I do not have that ability. But you see people cry over other people's things. I only cry if it's at a movie and they build me up and play it up a certain way. I get that sadness! But wouldn't just get it automatically. Who do you know that's like that?
Tara: My mom. Through this whole break up situation she has been more emotional than I have. Because she takes on the pain of everyone around her. She's a martyr. She wants to fix everyone's problems. To a fault. I had say, "Mom! Just stop reading into this! Just leave it alone, you're freaking me out."
Rachel: How does it affect the way she lives her life then? To be in that position? Is she really nice and really careful?
Tara: Well, for example she adopted two of my cousins who's parents, her siblings, couldn't take care of them. So she she adopted them.
Rachel: Damn, yeah, there are seriously, now that I think of it, there are people that do that kind of thing. Just do shit like that all the time. That's awesome. I'm so glad there are people like that in the world.
Tara: Yep, it's true. And there's people like me who are like doot doot doot, head in the clouds.
Rachel: Right?!
Tara: It's like, "life is fun! Why are you crying?"
Rachel: Maybe some people are demons and some people are angels. Some people like me and you that can't really feel people's pain and we're a little bit detached from it. When it comes to me to confess something that I've done - it's really weird because I can't really imagine how they're feeling. I just imagine them being pissed off at me and that sucking. And then some people just get it. So funny.. I get it with animals. Whenever someone abuses animals *angry sound* I feel for animals all the time.
Tara: Ah, that's sweet.
I hope this is helpful..
Rachel: It is.
Tara: In some way.
Rachel: What did you have in your journal? Just kind of processing what your going through?
Tara: Um, yeah, when I think of demons I think of bring torn between two different things. Like, a devil on shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder.
Rachel: Oooo, totally! I haven't used that visual.
Tara: So, this was on Friday.
"I'll say it again, I feel so at peace and relaxed at this moment. My creativity is flowing freely and I feel I have a firm grasp on myself and the world around me. I feel very in tune with my feelings, thoughts and ideas, emotions, etc. But by the same token I feel weak and vulnerable. Almost like a scab forming on a wound. Also, I have some funky summer sickness... blahblahblah..."
I wrote this one Friday and I felt so strong in my decision to not talk to Jacob (new guy) anymore and to not drink, not smoke, just BE A GOOD PERSON. And try to get Greg back was what I wanted to do on Friday. And now, I am hanging out with him again. It's crazy how one minute I'm here the next minute I'm there. And I wonder if it's like demon and angels or ...
Rachel: You think the angel on one side is telling you to not smoke and drink and this and that and the demon on the other side is telling you to do whatever the fuck you want?
Tara: Yeah. It's all about pleasure. Because doing the fun thing isn't always the right thing.
Rachel: That's a hard call though because, people, I'm thinking about homosexuals, will repress crap like that all the time because there's an angel on their shoulder that tells them to celibate and deny who they are and the demon says, "you should have a bunch of anal sex with a bunch of guys." Having a bunch of anal sex with a bunch of guys you should be doing because you're a gay man and have crazy testosterone levels and that's who you are and you should do it!
Tara: It doesn't mean it's bad, doing what, go back and forth,
There are some lives that we appreciate, for example, my mom, or my best friend or my roommates who are judging me behind my back. What's right? What's wrong? And I'm kind of to the point where I haven't told Leslie that I've been hanging out with him because I thought, "I'm going to prove everyone wrong because everyone thinks I'm going to go straight back to him once you leave." Because I was gung-ho about not seeing Jacob, because he destroyed my relationship and all this. Then I saw him Friday at the Harley Bourbon show and it was like, BOOM. We just had this crazy connection so why fight it?
Rachel: Yeah, why not? My friend, you know Natty, maybe? Natty was telling me that different people that come into your life, as in relationships, are like pop-quizzes and you have to ask yourself, "is this the right person? And you find that they're not and you have to let it go. You realize, this is not a soulmate. It's just a pop-quiz. And why hold onto something when .. and I have another belief in the Flow and you just have to follow the Flow, you need to follow your heart and maybe being with anyone, being in a monogamous relationship, getting married does ultimately seem like a very traditional way of pursuing happiness but maybe you need to be an 80-year-old woman who chronically cheats on 80-year-old men. Who knows?
Tara: That's hilarious. And I know I'm not some totally crazy person because I've talked to lots of people. And they say, "I've done the same thing. I'm cheating on my boyfriend right now."
Rachel: Fuck! Really?
Hey, speaking of the devil! (Natty comes up) (interruption)
Tara: Exactly. Because I've done it everyone I love. My friends. They say, "how did you do that to me?" I'm just not thinking. I guess I'm not very mindful of the outcomes of situations.
Rachel: That's interesting. My friend Stephanie, her boyfriend cheated on her and they've been going through this major thing. Break up and get back together. It's insane. It's a lot of anger. But I got involved with her when they were on the outs and I had to apologize to him because he was upset with me (when they were back together). And it was a very weird circle of hurting and trying to see.. we could all see each others positions, because we were going through it ourselves. Not exactly in the same... I was hurt by my ex-boyfriend sleeping with other people... and then I just realized this is being recorded and do I really want to tell this story on the record? I don't. I don't...
And so, I knew how he felt, but when I was looking at him I was thinking, "I can't connect with you, I can't connect with your feelings at all." I know how I felt in an identical situation but I can't connect to that sadness. I'm think, "get over it, what is the big deal?"
Tara: Right, his reaction to it.
Rachel: He would say the same thing. I try to be sympathetic but looking at anyone's situation.. you just heard the story second or third source. You might think, "why don't they just get along?" They look cute together, why don't they just make it work?" Connecting to those emotions it takes a lot of energy. And it's pretty made-up, it's pretty fictitious even when you do. I don't think any of us have that ability to really connect to people. To be truly empathetic, it's a godlike thing. Do a bunch of yoga and eat raw veggies and then you can truly connect to the universal pain of betrayal. I think we're pretty immune to each other, most of time.
Tara: Some people are very... this is going to sound cheesy but, certain zodiac are more cautious and in-tune with people's feelings. And not even feelings but personality traits too. Some people can just look at someone and be like, "Oh, I know exactly what your trying to do here and I can read you."
Rachel: That's so true. That is really true. I do not have that ability. But you see people cry over other people's things. I only cry if it's at a movie and they build me up and play it up a certain way. I get that sadness! But wouldn't just get it automatically. Who do you know that's like that?
Tara: My mom. Through this whole break up situation she has been more emotional than I have. Because she takes on the pain of everyone around her. She's a martyr. She wants to fix everyone's problems. To a fault. I had say, "Mom! Just stop reading into this! Just leave it alone, you're freaking me out."
Rachel: How does it affect the way she lives her life then? To be in that position? Is she really nice and really careful?
Tara: Well, for example she adopted two of my cousins who's parents, her siblings, couldn't take care of them. So she she adopted them.
Rachel: Damn, yeah, there are seriously, now that I think of it, there are people that do that kind of thing. Just do shit like that all the time. That's awesome. I'm so glad there are people like that in the world.
Tara: Yep, it's true. And there's people like me who are like doot doot doot, head in the clouds.
Rachel: Right?!
Tara: It's like, "life is fun! Why are you crying?"
Rachel: Maybe some people are demons and some people are angels. Some people like me and you that can't really feel people's pain and we're a little bit detached from it. When it comes to me to confess something that I've done - it's really weird because I can't really imagine how they're feeling. I just imagine them being pissed off at me and that sucking. And then some people just get it. So funny.. I get it with animals. Whenever someone abuses animals *angry sound* I feel for animals all the time.
Tara: Ah, that's sweet.
I hope this is helpful..
Rachel: It is.
Tara: In some way.
Rachel: What did you have in your journal? Just kind of processing what your going through?
Tara: Um, yeah, when I think of demons I think of bring torn between two different things. Like, a devil on shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder.
Rachel: Oooo, totally! I haven't used that visual.
Tara: So, this was on Friday.
"I'll say it again, I feel so at peace and relaxed at this moment. My creativity is flowing freely and I feel I have a firm grasp on myself and the world around me. I feel very in tune with my feelings, thoughts and ideas, emotions, etc. But by the same token I feel weak and vulnerable. Almost like a scab forming on a wound. Also, I have some funky summer sickness... blahblahblah..."
I wrote this one Friday and I felt so strong in my decision to not talk to Jacob (new guy) anymore and to not drink, not smoke, just BE A GOOD PERSON. And try to get Greg back was what I wanted to do on Friday. And now, I am hanging out with him again. It's crazy how one minute I'm here the next minute I'm there. And I wonder if it's like demon and angels or ...
Rachel: You think the angel on one side is telling you to not smoke and drink and this and that and the demon on the other side is telling you to do whatever the fuck you want?
Tara: Yeah. It's all about pleasure. Because doing the fun thing isn't always the right thing.
Rachel: That's a hard call though because, people, I'm thinking about homosexuals, will repress crap like that all the time because there's an angel on their shoulder that tells them to celibate and deny who they are and the demon says, "you should have a bunch of anal sex with a bunch of guys." Having a bunch of anal sex with a bunch of guys you should be doing because you're a gay man and have crazy testosterone levels and that's who you are and you should do it!
Tara: It doesn't mean it's bad, doing what, go back and forth,
There are some lives that we appreciate, for example, my mom, or my best friend or my roommates who are judging me behind my back. What's right? What's wrong? And I'm kind of to the point where I haven't told Leslie that I've been hanging out with him because I thought, "I'm going to prove everyone wrong because everyone thinks I'm going to go straight back to him once you leave." Because I was gung-ho about not seeing Jacob, because he destroyed my relationship and all this. Then I saw him Friday at the Harley Bourbon show and it was like, BOOM. We just had this crazy connection so why fight it?
Rachel: Yeah, why not? My friend, you know Natty, maybe? Natty was telling me that different people that come into your life, as in relationships, are like pop-quizzes and you have to ask yourself, "is this the right person? And you find that they're not and you have to let it go. You realize, this is not a soulmate. It's just a pop-quiz. And why hold onto something when .. and I have another belief in the Flow and you just have to follow the Flow, you need to follow your heart and maybe being with anyone, being in a monogamous relationship, getting married does ultimately seem like a very traditional way of pursuing happiness but maybe you need to be an 80-year-old woman who chronically cheats on 80-year-old men. Who knows?
Tara: That's hilarious. And I know I'm not some totally crazy person because I've talked to lots of people. And they say, "I've done the same thing. I'm cheating on my boyfriend right now."
Rachel: Fuck! Really?
Hey, speaking of the devil! (Natty comes up) (interruption)
*Names changed
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Megan - The Delicate Demon
When I go grocery shopping
I avoid certain aisles
in fear of letting my demon out.
It usually happens in the jelly aisle
or any aisle with a lot of glass jars.
I’ll be walking down it and suddenly
I get this strange urge to just start
knocking everything off the shelf,
like straight-up going bat shit crazy
on some glass jars.
I won’t even talk about the wine area.
It’s as if a switch goes off. I just want to
smash, and crash,
release this pent-up energy.
I want to see
jelly and pickles and juice
and pigs feet
and glass, lots of glass,
crushed and oozing in a beautiful matrimony
of organic colors and swirls with the
dull floor.
I want to see that true honesty of how something so delicate
can be ragged in seconds.
Maybe I’ve created this demon myself.
I’m too delicate.
I’m that glass jar
and I’m always anticipating the fall,
excepting to fail.
I just want to get it over with, and move on.
Here I am just sitting on the shelf.
Motionless.
This demon in me wants to be break into a million pieces
so I can get over being afraid of the future,
and build myself up again, stronger.
Until the less metaphorical version of this happens,
I just want to break shit.
All I want is a baseball bat and a few minutes in Safeway.
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