Sometimes I am driven to be a big shot.
I come from a long line of big shots and have written off my big shot attitude to this fact.
I can't help it.
It may come from my lack of power as a child and/or the desire to be recognized and influential.
On May 24th,, I came home to my boyfriend and pronounced, “I’m going to curba my big Italian mouth”.
He wrote it on the calendar and laughed his ass off.
He also wrote “end of the world” on Dec. 21st, so whatever.
Just yesterday I was making proclaimations, “I’ll take care of it” “I got this” “by the end of the month problem solved” badda bing badda boom.
The sad part is I was saying this to someone I hardly know and really don’t give a shit about. The head-trip that haunts me is; am I powerful? Influential? Can I make a difference?
A butterfly just flew around my feet saying “yes you are”.
I look for signs.
But it could’ve been a moth.
I have two sisters.
One likes to be a big shot.
Probably more than me, and the other doesn’t.
The sister who doesn’t have a need to be a big shot works at a job where she is highly recognized outside of work.
She hates it.
She doesn’t understand why people would be like Hiiiiiiiiiiii! And excited to see her. I think its cute and fun.
She hates it.
In Bend, notoriety can be something of a badge of honor.
Word gets around quick and it can be easy to build a reputation.
I have such a strong desire to be known for something great and to be a part of something great.
It is a demon because life just isn’t that exciting.
I embrace opportunities to shine.
Big and small.
If you need your horn tooted let me know.
Its not just about me being a big shot on my own it is about being a part of big things.
The haunting comes when I wonder if im annoying or made an ass out of myself because I will throw myself into things.
I can do this completely sober.
I get off on the thrill of influencing people.
For many years I was a born again Christian. Now I am not. Not at all.
One of the reasons I got off on being a born again was witnessing.
I would go balls out and I must say I was good at it; my conversion rate was high.
It was a rush to feel I could persuade someone to BELIEVE.
I'm haunted by the knowledge that (in this bullshit role I play in life) I am not important.
I just strive to play someone who is.
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